Diary of a Hopeless Romantic

I feel powerful.

You know I always thought that he had the power over me. I really did. I thought that he affected me so much, but that I never really drove him to do anything. As if I just confused him and his feelings. But right now, I feel completely powerful over him.

He starting talking to his now-girlfriend to make me mad. Because I had told our mutual friends that he was an ass (which he was and is…he even agrees for heaven’s sake) and that I was done with him. And they had passed along the message. A twisted version of the original statement, anyway (yeah, those mutual friends are no longer mutual friends….they’re just his). So he went out of his way to take a girl out on a few dates and tell one of our ACTUAL mutual friends (she’s probably reading this along with you to tell you the truth…she’s on here somewhere) that he knew would eventually tell me that the guy who informed me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship was, indeed, looking for a relationship with some freshman that was not me ALL just to piss me off. To make me jealous. To get back at me for calling him a douche bag when he had pulled a douche move.

HA! And of course that’s highly funny and ironic…because A). I don’t know the girl and therefore I wouldn’t be furious that he was dating her B). Jill did not tell me that he was dating her until after the fact (we don’t typically discuss him in great lengths…not here as of late anyway) and C). I’m kinda talking to someone else now, so really I couldn’t care less that he’s found himself a junior high kid to make out with. It’s really pretty great. To know that I have that kind of power…for him to go against everything he stands for and date a girl just to get a reaction out of me, just to get revenge, is hilarious. It’s just something that a girl would do. Is it not? Date an ex (she is indeed an ex…he was actually dating her when we first started hanging out and becoming friends if I remember correctly) to get back at a different ex? And of course they’re happily dating now because he really did start to like her for real, but it’s the principle of the thing. I drove him to suck lengths AFTER we got in that huge fight and weren’t talking to each other for months.

Sorry to crowd your dashboard, I just found it hilarious. :) I wanted to share my past stupidity in thinking we were meant to be. Teehee. Would it be too cruel to thank him? He just gave me the best confidence boost I’ve ever gotten from him. Who’d of thought?

There are days where I wake up, still thinking of you. There are moments when people say something or a song comes on, and my mind flashes back to all those nights we spend downtown or up on the mountain. All those nights with my sunroof down and stereo up loud. All the memories I have of us. I suppose for a while it’ll be like that. For a while you will still be apart of my thinking process. You will still be lodged in my life because for a time, we were best friends. If nothing else, best friends. And I realize now that you never saw it the same way I did. I realize now that you lied and let me believe that you felt the same way. And it hurts. But it’s getting better. I laugh at my naivety more than anything else. It doesn’t kill me to see you walk with Kenzi. We nod at each other when we cross paths. Those songs that used to bring tears to my eyes are becoming just songs again. Slowly but surely, I am mending. And there is a boy who really likes me who is helping me put it back together. Who’s helping rebuild the confidence that you tore down bit by bit. I’m that much closer to being completely over you. I figured out that it’s not about forgetting you or what happened, because I’ll never erase you or everything that happened my junior year. You just can’t forget something that like. A story like ours. It’s about making more memories with different people. Going to those places with different people and doing something different. It’s about learning to live with what happened, not pretend it didn’t happen at all. Like I said, I’m not completely over it all yet, but I’m getting there. Boy, I’m getting there. :)

Those of you who have amazing fathers? Go right mow and hug them, and say how much you love them. Not everyone is lucky. Some have dad’s who grew up in a different world where it was play to scream horrible things to their kids. Some just do it out of pure malice, or maybe a little of both. Some have fathers who beat them, or come damn close. Some scare the ever living shit out of their kids through insults and threats of beating them. Some have it worse then anyone can imagine. So if you are one of the lucky few who have a dad who cares and loves, please make sure they know how much you care and love back.

You don’t get to act like everything is back to normal; it’s not. Just because I said I was done fighting, doesn’t mean we are friends again. You’re going to have to make it work this time. Our friendship is past repairs; we are two completely different people now than we were. You burnt a lot of bridges where I’m concerned, and I’m not rebuilding them. Not this time. That girl you met and played? She’s not here anymore. You’ve changed me, and I am stronger than I was. Less naive. My head finally won the war, and my heart is listening. Whatever we had is gone, and I’m okay with that. I’m sorry, but a few messages no longer makes up for anything. Hell, it shouldn’t have before. But back then I trusted you, believed in you. Everything’s different now. I’m different now. And I’m sorry, but I can’t let you back in. I won’t.

Sometimes we apologize, not because we did something wrong, but because we’re tired of fighting. Sometimes it’s easier to accept that there is no way to come out on top, so we swallow every ounce of pride and become the bigger person.

Tonight I apologized for something I didn’t do. But it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I’m done. Done fighting, done avoiding you, done letting you dictate how I go about my day. You have been removed from the system. And I’ll cry tonight like I’ve done so many times in the past few months, but tomorrow the sun will come up, my alarm will go off, and I will walk through the halls with a new light in my eyes and a smile on my face. You can’t win a war when someone refuses to fight; so I’m laying down my armor and guns. Goodbye.

I always thought you and I would be the ones to make it through. Now you’re someone I don’t even know. I miss you, the old you, the real you. The you who was always there for me, who I walked downtown with, who I trusted, who I loved. Hell, who I still love.

                                                          What happened to us?

I should be over this by now. I should no longer think of you. You should no longer affect me the way you do. I shouldn’t miss you. But I do. Not this you, mind you, but the old you. The you that I knew better than myself. The you that held me and would never hurt anyone on purpose and who kissed me when I felt as if me and you would never happen. The you that didn’t believe in dating in high school. What happened to that guy? What happened to the guy that I fell in love with. Because now it’s like you’re someone completely different than you. You’re saying things you’d never say. Doing things you’d never do. Breaking promises you swore you never would. You’re a stranger to me now.

I never believed it when everyone called you a class A ass hole. Never.

Not until now.